How to Stop Porn Urges – The Full Toolkit to Never Relapse Again

Dean Paarman // Quit Porn Process

Everything you need to know to beat your urges and heal from porn addiction is on this page.

In the map below, you'll find the comprehensive outline of all the potential methods for managing and ultimately eliminating urges and cravings linked to addiction.

There are over 60 options to choose from.
Mind map: Expand The Image  

At a glance this can be very intimidating. 

Where do you even begin?

We will cover each option, and tell you:

  • How it works.
  • Why it is important.
  • And when best to use it.

To simplify the process, we have categorised all the potential urge-killing tactics into different categories and sub-groups.

We have also provided many extra resources and video links throughout the page as well as a downloadable checklist (coming soon) to help you build a plan for yourself.

By the end of this article, you'll be equipped to make an informed decision about which option is the best for you to overcome your urges.

Are you ready? 

Lets go.


The first thing to note is that there are TWO main categories. Make sure you know the difference.

Category 1: Dissipate the Urge 

Dissipating the urge involves engaging in activities to shift your body and mind away from the urge and your addiction. Consider these as wholesome replacement habits that will elevate your overall quality of life.

Category 2: Move Through the Urge

Moving through the urge involves sitting with the urge and all the ugly feelings it brings with it. This requires a warrior spirit but ultimately leads to the healing that is necessary to rid yourself of the addiction and with it all future urges.

Making a Choice

Once you have understood all your options, you can read the section on how to choose the best option for you.


Category 1: Dissipate

Dissipate means to "make disappear". The practices presented in this category are to help you reduce the severity of the urge by focussing on something else until the urge goes away entirely.

Lets establish immediately that there is a good and a bad way to do this. Broadly speaking, the options described are a form of "distraction" from your urge. This means you are not directly dealing with the underlying problem. But distraction does not always have to be a bad thing.

We want to ensure that what we distract ourselves with:

  • A healthy source of dopamine. 
  • A habit that leads to a better life.

As a side effect of improving your quality of life, your self worth, self esteem and confidence will rise. This will make it easier to engage in "Moving Through The Urge" later.

BEWARE: Accidental Addiction Replacement!

We definitely don't want to replace one addiction with another. It is imperative that you understand that the practices and suggestion in the Dissipation Category are healthy habit replacements that have a net positive effect on your life!

🛑 STAY AWAY 

Sources of junk dopamine will trap you back into a dopamine depletion cycle and or relapse. Your urges will not go away. You may even develop strong new urges for a new addiction.

Social Media

Mobile Games

Junk Food

Addictive Stuff

If you thinking "but I can't live without that", then this list of replacement habits is FOR YOU! There are many options to replace these with. 

There are 4 domains to cover, each with a set of sub-options. Quick links to:


Movement

You might be wondering why I've chosen to start with movement, and the answer is simple – it's one of the most potent ways to boost brain health.  

Addiction has, in many ways, shaped your brain in less than ideal ways. But here's the good news: you can actively work to reshape it.

Overcoming addiction is fundamentally about creating neurological change. It's about rewiring your brain to break free from the grip of addiction.

Here's where movement comes into play.

Whether it's cardiovascular exercise, strength training, mastering movement skills, or fine-tuning your motor abilities, movement is a powerful catalyst for accelerating neurological change.

Below are our recommended options to engage with, when the urge strikes!

Burpees   ⭐ (Recommended)

Jump high, drop down, do a clean pushup... Now do it again. And again. 

The first 10 are easy, but pretty soon Burpees escalate in difficulty. They basically put your whole system into survival mode, where your priorities shift from your urge to other needs. This is a quick and simple solution you can deploy in most situations & places.

Other Options:

Lifting Weights 💪

Running/Walking 🏃‍♂️

Solo Sports - Cycling, Swimming, Animal Flow, Rock Climbing, Surfing, Skateboarding 

Partner/Team Sports - Tennis, Soccer, Basketball, Baseball, Badminton,Martial Arts,  ...  There are 100s to choose from!

Nervous System

When discussing the nervous system, we're referring to the ability to utilise techniques that transition you from a heightened, stressed state to a calm, relaxed state. The objective is to establish a buffer zone between your impulses and your capacity to make better choices.

Without this buffer, you're essentially at the mercy of your emotions.

To learn more about the space between your impulses and your actions Watch This QbH Video.

Here we have two core practices: Breathwork & Meditation. Each has a variety of options. 

Breath Work

Breathwork is a holistic practice that involves deliberate control and manipulation of your breath. there are many techniques like pranayama, Wim Hof Method, and Soma breathing.

Breathwork aims to reduce stress, enhance mental clarity, improve emotional well-being, and support physical health. 

Breathwork is excellent to create a state change, especially if you need it fast. Use breathwork as a complementary practice to "calm down" before deploying other options presented on this page.

Focus on Long Exhales 

This is very simple. Breathe in deep. Then breathe out very, very slowly. Extend your outward breath as long as you can.
This is the fastest way to regulate and slow down your nervous system to give you a fighting chance against your urges.

Other Options:

Psychological Sigh

4,7,8 Method

Soma / Wim Hof

QbH Guided Mediations

Meditation

Meditation fosters mental clarity, emotional balance and stress reduction. By regularly practicing meditation, you can enhance your overall mental and emotional health, leading to a greater sense of peace and resilience in the face of life's many challenges.

As with the breathwork, there many different types of meditation to choose from. You can simply go to Youtube and search for some to try. Here are our 3 recommended types:

Mindfulness

Mindfulness meditation is a practice that involves non-judgmental awareness of the present moment, making it unique for its emphasis on observing thoughts and sensations without attachment or evaluation.

Mindfulness can also be practiced during activities such as eating or driving.

Metta 

Metta meditation, also known as loving-kindness meditation, is a practice that focuses on cultivating feelings of compassion, kindness, and goodwill towards oneself and others, making it unique for its emphasis on nurturing positive emotions and fostering a sense of universal love and connection.

Impermanence

Impermanence meditation, or anicca meditation, is a contemplative practice that centers on the universal truth of change and transience, offering unique insights into the impermanent nature of all experiences and phenomena.

This too shall pass, is a powerful urge-killer.

Get the Quit By Healing Relaxation Ritual

We have put together an original Meditation series called: Guided Meditations to Self Mastery. Included in this is the FREE Relaxation Ritual. Available Immediately.

Skill Building (GYST)

Skills are absolutely fundamental to building a full and meaningful life. They empower you to navigate challenges, achieve personal growth, and adapt to an ever-changing world.

Skill building encompasses numerous options, so to provide a structured approach, we've adopted the GYST system (Get Your Shit Together), which categorises activities into five key domains:

Physical, Emotional, Mental, Social, and Financial Skills.

Physical Skills

This is all about improving your physical health and wellbeing. If you are weak, sick and in pain, you won’t be able to focus on improving any other aspect of your life. 

Physical skills extend beyond just exercise, as explained in the first chapter of "Dissipating the Urge," encompassing aspects like dexterity, agility, mobility, and self-nourishment.

Movement Skills 

Movement skills is more than just exercise. This is a skill that challenges you to learn something you can't do yet. Examples:

Handstand, Headstand, Crow Pose, Staff Spinning, Sword or Spear Fighting, Cartwheel, Back-flip, Front-Flip, Dancing, Card Tricks or Lock Picking...
Yes these are movement skills too. They challenge your hand dexterity.

Watch: 30 Day Movement Skill Challenge

Cooking Skills

Cooking your own meals empowers you to create healthier meals, save money by eating out less and discover the enjoyment of preparing delicious dishes. Cooking can be a great way to impress a girl or build social connections.

If this is new to you, start with simple tasks such as rice or pasta. Slowly work your way up to making a lasagne for your family. 

Try This:  Ultra Healthy Green Smoothie

Emotional Skills

Many of us carry a lot of emotional baggage around with us, from negative self talk to anger issues and everything in between. Needless to say, the fewer of these issues plague you, the greater your general quality of life. 

Developing emotional resilience is vital to cope with adversity, bounce back from setbacks, and maintain mental well-being in the face of life's challenges. Want to beat your addiction? You gonna need this!

We have already covered meditation, which is an Emotional Resilience Skill. But here is one skill to develop to elevate your inner strength much further: Introspective Writing.

Writing Themes:

Gratitude Journalling

Emotional Dumping

Self Forgiveness Writing

Self Acceptance Exercises

Introspective Writing 

The power of introspective writing lies in its capacity to unlock self-discovery, promote emotional healing, and provide profound insights into one's inner world.

When you sign up to my newsletter, you get access to my Introspective Writing Crash Course after a few days.

Mental Skills

The human brain is a marvel, brimming with potential. Unfortunately, most of us are never taught how to utilise our brain in more than a small handful of ways and most of us waste most of that potential.

Reading 

This is a super mental skill life hack!

Seems pretty obvious, but I can’t overstate the value of this. Reading books is the highest ROI (return on investment) activity in my life.

I have seen deep, relatively rapid personal transformations in people who developed a reading habit.

Books are long-form, non-algorithmic content and as such, they are a different, higher quality form of information that what the vast majority of people consume. This is why reading books conveys a competitive advantage.

Listening to audiobooks counts, as long as you are not doing things that distract you from really paying attention to the book.

- Shane       

Other Options: 

Active Learning - Online courses, workshops, tutors and even Youtube can teach you a massive variety skills like:

  • Languages
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Video/Photo Production
  • Design & Arts
  • Data, IT, AI, Programming, etc

Mental Models - learn about the mind itself. 

  • Logical Fallacies
  • Cognitive Biases
  • First Principles & Philosophy

Social Skills

Humans are social animals and sadly, in our super-connected world, we find ourselves more isolated than ever before.

Social skills play an integral role across all the various domains on this page, fostering accountability, providing support, and adding a sense of enjoyment and meaning to our endeavour's. 

We have two areas of Social Skills for you to focus on: Communication & Social Courage.

Communication

Effective communication is the cornerstone of human interaction and understanding. It helps to form strong relationships, resolves conflicts, and drives collaboration, making it an essential skill for personal and professional success.

There are four sub-domains you can concentrate on for skill development.

Speaking

Speaking is the act of conveying thoughts and ideas through verbal communication, and learning effective speaking skills is essential for clear and articulate expression in interpersonal and professional interactions.

Underrated skill, as most people are terrible at saying what they mean.

Listening  

Listening is the skill of actively receiving and comprehending information, which is crucial for understanding others, fostering empathy, and improving communication by ensuring a genuine exchange of ideas.

Good listening makes you very popular with other people. Again, most people are terrible at this.

Persuasion 

Persuasion is the art of influencing others' thoughts, attitudes, and behaviours, and developing persuasion skills is key to effectively conveying one's perspective and ideas while respecting and considering the viewpoints of others. Great for winning arguments & closing sales.

Rapport 

Rapport is the establishment of a harmonious and positive connection with others, and building rapport is integral to successful communication as it creates a foundation of trust and mutual understanding, enhancing the effectiveness of both speaking and listening skills.

Got No Real Friends?

"I often find myself feeling lonely, lacking friends or people to practice social skills with. I might have acquaintances from work or school, or people I hang out with, but we're not close, and it's lonely because I constantly feel like I have to pretend to fit in."  

So, how do you tackle this problem? The answer lies in developing social courage.

Social Courage

Social courage involves taking steps, from having the courage to strike up a conversation with a stranger (which can be daunting for most), to being vulnerable within existing relationships. You have to learn to reveal yourself. The true You!

Most people won't open up until someone else does. You have to be the one to go first and embrace vulnerability. There's no way around it; it's a challenge, but it's the key to building meaningful connections and overcoming loneliness.

Financial Skills

This is the final stop on the GYST Skills list. Financial Skills encompass everything related to money, covering topics such as

  • Income Generation - Earning money 
  • Saving & Budgeting - Managing money 
  • Investing  - Making your money work for you

Additionally, there are subskills within this category, including developing focus and becoming a highly productive bad ass. 

Not Sure where to start?

Watch these comprehensive financial literacy courses:

Rest

Most people are unknowingly sleep-deprived, making it essential to recognise the critical importance of rest. Adequate sleep and relaxation not only rejuvenate the body but also sharpen the mind, enhance mood, and contribute to better overall health and well-being.

Bad Sleep = Bad Mood = Increased Likelihood of Strong Urges

Prioritise Sleep 

If you're experiencing urges and suspect they may be linked to sleep deprivation, be sure to get an early night's rest.

WATCH: How to Sleep

Napping

A 20 minute catnap can boost cognitive function, enhance mood, and promote overall alertness and productivity, particularly when a full night's sleep is lacking.

Yoga Nidra

Yoga Nidra is a guided form of meditation and deep relaxation that promotes profound physical and mental rest, making it an effective technique for stress reduction.


Category 2: Move Through

Rather than attempting to eliminate or dissipate the urge, consider the idea of moving through it, even diving DEEP into it.

This is where most of the real HEALING occurs. 

This process involves two distinct approaches: one is adopting an observer mode, while the other involves actively engaging with the urge. 

Often, a complete practice involves both components: observing first, and then engaging afterward.

Observer Mode

In observer mode, you acknowledge the urge and the accompanying thoughts, then simply sit with them, experiencing the moment without judgment or any attempt to alter it—just allowing yourself to fully feel the urge in that present moment. Not easy!

Active Engagement

In Active Engagement mode, you recognise the urge and its accompanying thoughts, leveraging your emotions as a catalyst to dive deeper to fully immerse yourself in the urge and unlock new discoveries about your addiction. You do something with the urge!

Observe - Sit in the Fire 🔥

This is the simplest and most fundamental core practice of observer mode—just sitting and observing. However, don't underestimate its simplicity, as it can be extremely challenging.

Try starting with 10 minutes of this practice. If you can manage it, consider extending the duration to 15min, and then 20min, but if it feels too overwhelming, you might want to explore some of the other techniques first and gradually work your way up to this one.

Observe - Embodiment

In the embodiment method, the focus is on honing in on physical sensations. When an urge arises, you start by locating it within your body, asking where and how you feel it. The objective is not to make it disappear; instead, it's about paying close attention to these bodily sensations.

You zoom in with your awareness, exploring the tension or sensation's characteristics, such as its shape, size, and texture, without attempting to alleviate it. The key is to stay attentive and immerse yourself in the experience.

NEED HELP?
Get access the Quit By Healing Guided Meditations and immerse yourself in the practice of embodiment. 

Observe - Boredom

Even if you're not in the midst of an intense or immediate urge (in other words, not actively "sitting in the fire"), taking moments to sit with your boredom and do absolutely nothing can be very beneficial. 

Accepting and even embracing boredom can be a powerful practice in building emotional resilience. When we allow ourselves to be bored, we create space for our minds to wander, which can lead to increased creativity and fresh insights.

Boredom can serve as a valuable tool for releasing stuck or dark emotions and developing a greater capacity to navigate moments of stillness and uncertainty, ultimately leading us the the prize of healing from our addiction.

Watch Video: Change your Relationship with Boredom

Engage - Shadow Work 

Shadow work is a self-reflective practice that explores and integrates the hidden or suppressed aspects of your personality, aiming to achieve self-awareness and personal growth by confronting and accepting these hidden elements.

It's good to mention that this stuff requires a Warrior Spirit. Making a conscious decision to confront the very sensations and discomfort we often wish to avoid. While this can be challenging, it's a valuable skill to cultivate, as it empowers us to face what we'd typically shy away from.

To help you through this, we have a free guided Shadow Work Course in our community.
Here are some practices you can try:

Addict Self Conversation

Can I engage in a dialogue with my addict self? Can I bring both my sober self and addict self into the same space for a conversation?

Typically, it's one or the other, but what if I bridge the gap? This concept is known as parts work, originating from the therapy modality known as Internal Family Systems, which highlights the potential for enlightening and unexpected dialogues with different facets of our inner selves.

Other Practices

Amplify the Feeling - Details Here

How does this Serve Me? -  Details Here

When you join my newsletter, I will send you free Shadow Work exercises and give you access to my course after a few days.

Engage - Writing Exercises

Writing plays a pivotal role in enhancing every aspect of the "Move Through the Urge" category.

It serves as a means to externalise our thoughts, providing a structured path for our thinking that, when left unexpressed, can result in circular thought patterns and confusion.

Below are an extremely powerful writing exercise.

Emo Dumping 

Emotional dumping journaling is a therapeutic practice that involves pouring your thoughts and feelings onto the pages of a journal.

It serves as a safe and private space to release pent-up emotions, gain clarity, and find emotional relief. By freely expressing your innermost thoughts and experiences, emotional dumping journaling can be a valuable tool for self-discovery and emotional well-being.

Let it all out.

Don't be afraid too say things that are untrue, ugly, vulgar or just plain nasty. Remember, this isn't about control or taking actions, but finding cathartic relief from your urges.

If needed, you can choose to burn these pages once your urge subsides. 🔥

Engage - Transmutation

This is where we delve into the "spiritual" realm, marking the next step after an embodiment observation.

Transmutation follows the identification of a physical sensation or feeling in your body, where you begin to manipulate and shift it.

There are several practices to explore in this stage, and here are three you can try:

Root Lock Technique

The root lock technique, also known as Mula Bandha in yoga, involves engaging the muscles in the pelvic floor to channel and redirect energy, enhance stability, and promote a sense of grounding.

Central Channel Breath

Central Channel Breath is a meditative practice that focuses on the inhalation and exhalation of air through the central energy channel of the body (aka your spine) to promote relaxation and mindfulness.

Somatic Movement

Somatic Movement encourages the expression of bodily sensations through physical movement and vocalisations, encompassing creative activities like dance and chanting as forms of somatic expression.

Here is Soma Breath Session that contains elements of Transmutation. Give it a Try


How To Make a Choice

In this post, we've provided you with numerous tools to try the next time an urge arises. However, given the variety of options, you might wonder which one is the best choice for you. Unfortunately, there's no single "silver bullet" or ultimate cure for addiction. Instead, your unique solution lies in a combination of these tools.

The most crucial guiding principle to grasp is this: you need to select practices from both the "Dissipate" and the "Move through" categories.

If you neglect either of these, here's what may occur...

If You Only Dissipate

If you solely focus on the practices in the "Dissipate" category, diligently building habits, exercising, and engaging in various self-improvement activities, your life will undoubtedly improve in numerous ways. However, there's a catch: you might still battle addiction, despite these efforts. You could develop a stack of positive habits, enhance your skills, and stay busy, which reduces the frequency of relapses.

But sometimes that doesn't fully address the root of the addiction.

Despite being the disciplined, high-achieving individual, you may be left wondering why urges persist and why the addiction endures.

The reason lies in not doing the essential healing work, not addressing the underlying issues, and not confronting your addict self. 

Essentially, you become highly proficient at avoiding your problems and never confronting them directly.

If You Only Move Through

Conversely, what if you choose to solely focus on the practices that facilitate moving through addiction? What if you commit to doing only the internal work required for healing?

Perhaps a transformative 30-day silent retreat, disconnecting from your phone, and immersing yourself in self-reflection has spectacular results. You continue the introspection and "ire sitting" to help you confront underlying issues, dissolve internal tension, and reach a point of peace and self-contentment, rendering the urges mute.

However, this path alone also has its drawbacks, as you may find yourself questioning what to do with your life once you've achieved that state of inner peace.

You have have aspirations, experiences to pursue, and creations to bring into the world, and without the healthy habits will never achieve them.
Urges may arise again, originating from the discomfort of a life not lived.

A Self Directed Journey

It's crucial to recognise that this journey is your own exploration, because overcoming addiction ultimately requires self-responsibility. We cannot break your addiction on your behalf; it's a path you must walk independently.

A Self-Directed-Journey!?!? 

It sounds difficult, doesn't it? Like you have to just do it all alone!

But it's simple: you just need to make a choice

Select something from this list and give it a try.

Experiment with it several times.

Then, consider trying something else.

Try stacking up two or three together.

Mix it up.

We've provided you with all the necessary tools; now, it's up to you to test them all.

That's the answer by the way—you need to try them all.

However, you need only begin with one.

Some Final Tips

Here's how to put it all together and make it as useful as possible for yourself.

Make a Personalised Urge-Killer List

Sit down with a pen and paper and write down an intention of how you plan to use the urge killer tactics and make a list of all the options you want to try. Choose at least one from each category.

Here is an example:

Urge Killer List  (Demo)

My Intention

  • When a urge arrises I will look at my list and asses which options are possible in my current situation. Pick one and do it.
  • I will try to alternate between the dissipation and move through options every time I get an urge.  
  • I will try all of these at least once. 

My Urge Dissipation Tools

  • Movement: I will do 40x burpees
  • Nervous System: I will do the QbH Relaxation Ritual  (download it)
  • Physical Skills: I will learn staff spinning with a broom stick. (youtube it)
  • Emotional Skills: I will do a Metta Meditation (youtube it)
  • Mental skills: I will read "So Good they Cant Ignore You" by Cal Newport
  • Social Skills: I will practice Non-Violent Communication (Look it up)
  • Financial Skills: I will implement a new lesson from the finance course provided
  • Rest: I will take a 20min nap if I think I'm sleep deprived

My Move Through The Urge Tools

  • Observer: I will sit in the fire for 15 minutes. 
  • Observer: I will try the embodiment method for 10 minutes.
  • Engage: I will write down my experience after an observation session.
  • Engage: I will try speaking with my addict self after an observation session.

Extra Tip: You can incorporate this list into your IF-THEN PLAN.

Don't know what that is?  Watch this video here.

That's all of it. Over 60 tactics, skills and tools to choose from.

This encompasses everything you need to combat urges, significantly enhance your quality of life, and simultaneously work on healing your addiction.

If you have any further questions, feel free to join our community and post them in the Questions Channel.


About the Author

I'm passionate about embracing everyday adventures and am honoured to be part of QbH. I've faced my own challenges with sexual shame that once led me down paths of workaholism & alcoholism. I'm proud to say I've overcome these struggles, and I'm committed to sharing my experiences and offering support to those striving to conquer their own addictions.

Dean Paarman